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This page is all about my favorite TV show... Family Guy. (My other faves are the Simpsons and Futruma and stuff)


  Family Guy Quotes!!!


Lois Griffin: Peter, what did you promise me?
Peter Griffin: That I wouldn't drink at the party.
Lois Griffin: And what did you do?
Peter Griffin: Drank at the pa-- ...Whoa! I almost walked into that one.
Stewie Griffin: Damn you vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your vile womb!
Peter Griffin: You know those Germans; if you don't join the party, they come get you.
Peter Griffin: Holy crip, he's a crapple!
Stewie Griffin: No sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!
[Riding a circus elephant.]
Peter Griffin: Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a fat white guy who is threatened by change.
Stewie Griffin: [To ticket agent] Now look here...
[looks at agent's name tag]
Stewie Griffin: Jo-LENE! I have an army to raise and I must get to Managua at once! I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. BUT NO PICKLES! OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES!
Lois Griffin: Peter! You're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter Griffin: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"?
Lois Griffin: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
Peter Griffin: Uh, what could me and you do together?
[Lois giggles]
Peter Griffin: Lois! You've got a sick mind!
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter Griffin: Oh! I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.
Brian Griffin: Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here?
Peter Griffin: Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass!
Stewie Griffin: Ha ha! Oh, this is so good it just HAS to be fattening!
Peter Griffin: NOOOOOO! Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn longears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. Anyway, what was that you were saying?
Stewie Griffin: Damn you, broccoli!
Brian Griffin: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department.
Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity.
Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOO"!
Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.
Adam West: I love this job more than I love taffy, and I'm a man who loves his taffy.
Stewie Griffin: So, what do you think of this "Music Television?"
Police Officer: Hey! That's Against the law! You're coming with me!
Peter Griffin: (singing to the tune of U Can't Touch this) Ah ah ah! Can't Touch Me
Can't Touch me
Ja ja ja ja just like the bad guy
from Lethal Weapon 2
I've got diplomatic Immunity
so Hammer, you can't sue
I can write graffiti even jay-walk in the streets
I can Riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat
Can't touch me
Can't touch me
Joe Swanson: What in god's name is he doing?
Peter Griffin: Can't Touch me!
Cleveland: I belive it's the worm.
Peter Griffin: [still singing] Can't touch me
STOP, Peter time
I'm a big shot, there's no doubt light a fire then pee it out
Don't like it, kiss my rump
Just for a minute, let's all do the bump
Can't touch me
Yeah, do the Peter Griffin Bump
Can't touch me
I'm Presidential Peter
Interns think I'm hot
Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still park in your spot
I've been around the world
from Hartford to Back Bay
It's Peter, Go Peter, I'm so Peter, Yo Peter, Let's see Regis rap this way
Can't touch me!
Doctor: Mr. Griffin I'm saying you're fine.
Peter Griffin: Now what? Are you coming on to me?
Lois Griffin: Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you you're healthy.
Doctor: ....Can't it be both?
Meg Griffin: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well that would just leave England.
Li: Stewie, come complete our rainbow.
Stewie Griffin: I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."
Janet: Hi. Cookie?
Stewie Griffin: Well, it's Stewie, can call me "cookie" if you like. Yes, I also answer to "Artemis," "Agent Buckwald" and "Snake." Yes, I rather like "Snake." Snake Griffin.
Peter Griffin: Listen Lois, I know you're a feminist and I think thats adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.
Cult Leader: Are you a confused adolescent desperately seeking acceptance from an undifferentiated ego mass that demands conformity?
Stewie Griffin: Mother, I come baring a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
Lois Griffin: Meg, can you change Stewie?
Meg Griffin: Fine, but this time if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy.
Peter Griffin: I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together!
Announcer: And now, Homicide: Life on Sesame Street!
Bert: [Answering phone] Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.
[Gets out of bed and gets dressed]
Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the DAMN BED!
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.
[The Jetsons parody]
Jane: Oh my God! George!
George: [After being on the dog walker] Did you not hear me out there?
Elroy: Yeah, you...
George: Go to your room, Elroy!
Elroy: But...
George: GO TO YOUR ROOM! For 45 minutes I was out there screaming. I know that because my damn watch is broken!
Jane: I'm sorry.
George: Oh 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Jane is sorry', I could've been killed!
[While trying to potty-train Stewie]
Peter Griffin: Maybe you don't have to pee. I'll just give you some beer, it'll run right through you.
Stewie Griffin: Beautiful. And while we're at it we can light up a dubey and watch porn!
Peter Griffin: Rea...Really?
[Brian has just peed on a Supermarket floor.]
Peter Griffin: Jeez Brian, where do you think you are, Payless?
Peter Griffin: Joe, I've had new neighbors before but none of them were half the man you are. And since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.
Bob Ross: All right, we are going to use a fan brush here and uh why don't you take some hunter green and we are going to put a happy little bush right down over here in the corner there and that'll just be our little secret and if you tell anyone that that bush is there i will come to your house and I will cut you.
Stewie Griffin: Do these huggies make my ass look big?
Peter Griffin: Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.
[Brian and Stewie are on a German tour bus]
German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's contributions to ze arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.
Peter Griffin: I'm looking for some toilet training books.
Salesman: We have the popular 'everybody poops", or the less popular 'nobody poops but you'.
Peter Griffin: Well, you see, we're catholic. . .
Salesman: Ah, then you'll want 'you're a naughty, naughty boy, and that's concentrated evil coming out the back of you'.
Guy on Street #2: It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie?
Guy on Street #1: Well, you tell me. Louie left his house at 2:15 and had to travel a distance 6.2 miles traveling at a rate of five miles a hour. When will Louie get here?
Guy On Street #2: Depends if he stops to see his ho.
Guy on Street #1: That's what we call a "variable".
Peter Griffin: You remember that time I was supposed to get that boat? A BOAT'S A BOAT, but the mystery box could be anything. IT COULD EVEN BE A BOAT. You know how much we wanted one of those.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that happened ten minutes ago!
[While eating a pancake]
Stewie Griffin: OH! mmm yes oh god this is better than SEX!
Glen Quagmire: Hey, any of you ladies been penetrated?
[looking at himself in a spoon]
Tom Tucker: I'm sorry but there's a handsome man in my spoon. You'll have to come back later.
Lois Griffin: What's going on?
Stewie Griffin: We're playing house.
Lois Griffin: The boy is all tied up.
Stewie Griffin: Roman Polanski's house.
Stewie Griffin: [After Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style"] Damn you, Damn the Broccoli, and Damn the Wright Brothers!
[The Griffins have inherited a mansion. Stewie is being waited on.]
Stewie Griffin: You! Cut my eggs!
[waiter cuts his eggs]
[At a job interview]
Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter Griffin: [Thinking to himself "Don't say doing you wife! Don't say doing your wife!"] Doing your, uh, son...
Stewie Griffin: Oh I feel so delightfully white trash! Mommy, I want a mullet!
[An extremely obese Peter and Brian are sitting on the dock]
Boy: Daddy, what's that?
Father: Well son, that's Mercury, the closest planet to the sun. What it's doing down here on the wharf I haven't the foggiest, we should probably go ask a scientist.
Peter Griffin: I'm a man jackass!
Chris Griffin: Yo, did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little somethin' somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.
Brian Griffin: I'm really enjoying playing golf.
Peter Griffin: You know my great-great-grandfather Angus Griffin invented the game.
Angus Griffin: So, we're all clear on the rules then. No Jews and no blacks.
Scottish men: Aye.
Stewie Griffin: Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that.
Peter Griffin: Dad, now that you're retired, you're staying with us. No arguments, I'm putting my foot down.
Francis Griffin: I don't want to be a bother.
Peter Griffin: It's no bother, is it Lois?
Lois Griffin: Of course not, we'd love to have you stay.
Francis Griffin: You're a good woman, Lois. Perhaps you won't burn in Hell after all. Maybe you'll just go to Purgatory with all the unbaptized babies.
Peter Griffin: You hear that Lois? You love kids.
Peter Griffin: So what happened to the guy that stole the money?
Joe Swanson: Ironically, I severed his spine when I fell on him.
Peter Griffin: Sounds like you got some more competition at next year's Special People's Games. HehHehHehHehHeh.
Joe Swanson: Nope, he's dead.
Jim: What did you just call me?
Huck Griffin: I thought that was your name.
Jim: That is our word! You have no right to use it!
Huck Griffin: Geez, I'm sorry. I didn't know.
Huck Griffin: So, could you pass me the oar, 'n-word Jim'?
Jim: Yes. Thank you.
Peter Griffin: Well, fine. Until you put 'Gumbel 2 Gumbel' back on the air, I'm going on a hunger strike! Can you live with that? Huh, can you?"
[brief pause]
Peter Griffin: You gonna eat that stapler?
Network executive: Mr. Griffin, you can't eat a...
Peter Griffin: Wanna split it?
Newsanchor Diane: Tom, you're so deep in the closet you're finding Christmas presents.
[Brian and Chris try to sneak into a fair by wearing a horse suit]
Ticket Seller: Wait a minute... your ass just sneezed! And horses can't talk! No, no... nothing here adds up at all!
Stewie Griffin: [to Peter] You! You are the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber!
[to Lois]
Stewie Griffin: And you, I just don't like you.
Stewie Griffin: [Picking up the phone.] Hello, operator. Hello,...Oh god, that's right you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. Uhhh, I should know this. Oh yes,
[dialing number]
Stewie Griffin: 867-5309, yes that's it. Wait that's not it, damn you Tommy Two-Tone! Huh, only one thing to do 111-1111, Lois? Damn! 111-1112 Lois?! DAMN! 111-1113....
[Brian and Peter are putting a crib together.]
Brian Griffin: Okay, insert rod support A into slot B.
Peter Griffin: That's what..
Brian Griffin: If you say "that's what she said" one more time, I am gonna pop you!
Peter Griffin: Holy crap!...Did anyone else feel that?
Brian Griffin: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.
Peter Griffin: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.
Glen Quagmire: The Griffins! Bunch of card-carrying Commies if you ask me. Alright!
Peter Griffin: I didn't even fart until I was 18.
[Flash back]
Peter Griffin: [Peter hears a farting sound]
Peter Griffin: What the hell was that?
Lois Griffin: Peter, where's Chris?
Chris Griffin: I love you She Hulk.
Security Guard: All right son, I'm going to need those two hams back.
Chris Griffin: I...I don't have any hams.
Security Guard: Lift up your shirt son.
Chris Griffin: I need an adult! I need an adult!
Security Guard: You're not a shoplifter, you're just a fat kid. Sorry about that fatty, fat, fatty. Hey Tom, he's just a fat kid! Aren't ya fatty? He's a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate fatso.
Chris Griffin: Thanks!
Peter Griffin: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.
Brian Griffin: The Bradys?
Peter Griffin: Oh, hell yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers ah, you name it.
[Aunt Jemimah pops up in the window with a plate of pancakes]
Aunt Jemimah: You folks want some pancakes?
Peter Griffin: No thank you. See, that's the worse we got is, uh Jemimah's Witnesses.
Peter Griffin: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually.
[showing his crotch to Peter]
Glen Quagmire: Does this look like a Q to you?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I hate it when your mother worries. She usually says things like "I told you so" and "Stop doing that, I'm asleep."
Diet Instiute Worker: Sir, you cant park your van in here.
Peter Griffin: Hey, that's my kid!
Diet Instiute Worker: Oh sorry.
Diet Instiute Worker: Hey, don't worry, it's just a really fat kid!
Stewie Griffin: For God's sake, shake me. Shake me like a British nanny!
[Stewie and Brian are trying to sleep in a motel, a drug deal is heard in the next room]
Drug Buyer: You got the stuff?
Drug Dealer: Yeah I got it, where's the money, huh? I wanna see the money.
Drug Buyer: No, no, no, you don't see the money 'till I see the stuff.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, for God's sake, does anyone wait to put an end to this nuisance.
Stewie Griffin: HE'S WEARING A WIRE!
Drug Dealer: What?! You son of a-
[gunshots are heard following by a "body drop" sound effect]
Peter Griffin: Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white mans dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.
Chris Griffin: Where do you think you go when you die?
Southern boy: I learned from church that if you're good you go to heaven but if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living and they pray for death but death won't come.
Chris Griffin: UPN?
Peter Griffin: Wow, is that really the blood of Christ?
Preacher: Yes, it is.
Peter Griffin: Holy crap, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day!
[Peter is trying to potty-train Stewie]
Peter Griffin: You know, I oughta just give you some beer. Goes straight through you.
Stewie Griffin: [sarcastic] Wonderful! And while we're at it, we can light up a doobie and watch porn!
Peter Griffin: Eh...yeah?
Lois Griffin: Peter, Stewie peed on the carpet again.
Peter Griffin: I hit 'im?
Peter Griffin: Since I took over as President our profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano.
Alyssa Milano: Of all the cheap shots...Joel!
Joel: I know, I know. I'm suing, I'm suing.
Charles Lindburgh: OK, don't panic. He was kidnapped. You go phone the police, I'll write the note.
Mrs. Lindburgh: [pointing at Amelia Earhart] But what about Amelia? She saw everything.
Charles Lindburgh: I'll take care of her.
Stewie Griffin: Yay and God said to Abraham, "you will kill your son, Issak", and Abraham said, "I can't hear you, you'll have to speak into the microphone." "Oh I'm sorry, Is this better? Check, check, check... Jerry, pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here."
Glen Quagmire: Hi, Meg. Eighteen yet?
Meg Griffin: No.
Glen Quagmire: Just checkin'.
Glen Quagmire: Tuesdays in the '80s I was always in bed by 8 . . . and home by 11.
[Peter and his new "posse" have just come in the door]
Peter Griffin: Go in the kitchen and make yourselves some sandwiches.
Lois' Father: My jacket's in there, please don't write on it!
Peter Griffin: So if I accidentally walk through you, does that mean that we've, you know, done it?
Ghost: Geez, what's with you and the gay jokes?
[Peter has to come up with a fake name on the spot, so he looks around the room to get inspiration]
Peter Griffin: name is...
[he sees a pea]
Peter Griffin: Pea...
[he sees a woman crying]
Peter Griffin: ...tear...
[he sees a Griffin fly by]
Peter Griffin: ...Griffin. Peter Griffin.
Peter Griffin: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Glen Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Glen Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter Griffin: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Glen Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible.
Glen Quagmire: Oh god! Oh my god! I've got all these magazines! Oh god!
Peter Griffin: Hey, where's my VCR?
Hillbilly #1: Dangit, Buck, I wanna use the sex box!
Hillbilly #2: It's *my* sex box! And her name is Sony.
Peter Griffin: What's wrong, Stewie, don't you wanna pee in the toilet bowl like a big boy? Boy I remember when I learned to use a potty all by myself. I was so proud.
[Flashbacks to one year ago]
Peter Griffin: [Zips up pants] Hey Lois, I did it!
Peter Griffin: Lois, our son has been blessed with a great gift. And I am going to everything I can to nurture that talent and help him succeed, then I'm going to use him to live out all my frustrated hopes and dreams. Because that's good parenting, right Bing Crosby?
Bing Crosby: That's right Peter, and if your kids give you any lip you can beat them with a sack of sweet Velency Oranges. They won't leave a bruise and it'll let 'em know who's boss, there's nooo doubt about it.
Peter Griffin: That.. That doesn't sound like good parenting.
Bing Crosby: Are you givin' me lip boy? Because I'll take this belt off and put the smack down on you, is that what you want?
[takes his belt off and starts beating Peter]
Stewie Griffin: What the hell is this?
Lois Griffin: Stewie that's tuna salad.
Stewie Griffin: Really?! I could have sworn it was cat food.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I must give you my e-mail address. It's
[Hanson has showed up, asking to use the phone.]
Peter Griffin: Oh my god! It's the Children of the Corn!
Tom Tucker: Now let's go to Greg The Weather Mime. OK... it's going to be cold... lots of wind... and it looks like parents are going to throw human fecal matter from the rooftops onto their children... oh, GOD! That's awful. No wait, it looks like rain. Yes, rain.
Cleveland: Oh Quagmire, you are what the Spanish call, "Il Terrible"
Peter Griffin: I love Mexicans, I'll do it!
[Peter makes a joke during a Christmas play]
Spectator #1: Oh my God! I'm so offended! I'm going to do something about this.
Spectator #2: Mike, there's not really anything you can do.
Spectator #1: Wow, you're right. I guess I'm just going to have to develop a sense of humor, huh?
Chris Griffin: Dad, there's a guy outside who says I can't go to school.
Peter Griffin: Yeah? Him and what army?
Chris Griffin: The U.S. Army.
Peter Griffin: ...that's a good army.
Bad Cockroach: Man, I'm going to cut you up so bad, that gonna wish I didn't cut you up so bad.
Lois Griffin: Stewie, why don't you go play in the other room.
Stewie Griffin: Why don't you burn in hell!
Brian Griffin: She's a whiney little runt isn't she?
[Lois gasps]
Brian Griffin: What? I said runt.
Glen Quagmire: Don't look at me like that! Fat chicks need love too...but they got to pay.
[looking at whales]
Chris: Dad, what's the blowhole for?
Peter Griffin: I'll tell you what it's not for. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.
Stewie Griffin: Forecast for tomorrow; A few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom!
Stewie Griffin: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.
[Peter gets fired]
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, the lost my job smells great! Hey, Meg, could you pass me the fired my ass for negligence?
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you OK?
Peter Griffin: Great! I haven't got a job in the world!
Stewie Griffin: Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, on the other hand, is like this box of ACTIVE GRENADES!
Stewie Griffin: You! Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal! You two, fight to the death!
Peter Griffin: If I wasn't so sure you were a lesbian, I'd say you were coming on to me.
Peter Griffin: [giving a speech running for school board] This is life so go and have a ball. Because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, look at me! Look, my finger is in a very naughty place!
[Stewie's finger is in his nose]
Brian Griffin: Kid, you're talking to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.
Stewie Griffin: Did you forge my name? How dare you! Is this backwards "S" supposed to be cute? I'm going to crap double for you tonight!
Gene Simmons: Someone kidnapped Santa? That does not rock!
[Quagmire sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]
Glen Quagmire: Dear diary: Jackpot!
William Shatner: Now men, we are about to go on a very dangerous mission. It is highly likely that one of you will die. The crew that will go with me are Spock, McCoy and Ensign Ricky.
Ensign Ricky: Aw crap.
Peter Griffin: At least they don't put their feminine ointments next to the mustard, Lois! That was the worst hot dog I ever ate!
[Meg walks in on Quagmire with a hooker]
Glen Quagmire: Hey, Meg, you just bought me another three minutes! Giggidy giggidy giggidy!
Lois Griffin: I hope you kids saved room for dessert.
Stewie Griffin: I hope you burn in hell!
Lois Griffin: Well, no dessert for you, young man.
[Peter has plastic surgery]
Brian Griffin: Hey, pal, you just cant walk in here, and, holy crap, it's Peter.
Peter Griffin: Oh, and sorry about that comment earlier. I have that disease that makes you swear involuntarily. Sonofabitch! Sonofabitch! Sonofabitch! See?
[Peter forms his own country]
Peter Griffin: I call it... Petoria! I was going to call it Peterland, but that gay bar by the airport took it.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials.
Meg Griffin: Wow, Chris, did you lose weight?
Chris Griffin: Well, I've been working out all week.
Meg Griffin: You look wicked skinny. I'm like, jealous.
Chris Griffin: Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache.
Meg Griffin: [freaked] I don't have a mustache... do I?
[Peter has accidentally unleashed the 10 plagues]
Peter Griffin: There has to be some explanation for this.
Brian Griffin: You want an explanation?
[slaps Peter]
Brian Griffin: GOD
[slaps Peter]
Brian Griffin: IS
[slaps Peter]
Brian Griffin: PISSED!
[during a company sexual harassment training video]
Narrator: Remember, nothing says "good job" like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.
Chris Griffin: God's watching me do number two? Oh man, I'm a sinner. God's a pervert.
[the family is planning a vacation]
Peter Griffin: We could always go to purgatory like we did last year.
Lois Griffin: This isn't bad. It's not good, but it's not bad.
Brian Griffin: So so.
Peter Griffin: More or less.
Peter Griffin: I haven't cleaned since Bounty dropped me as their spokesman.
Peter Griffin: So Rosie, I just spilled this glass of warm yellow liquid on the counter and you're telling me that Bounty can pick it up in five seconds?
Spokesperson: What the hell is that?
Peter Griffin: Five seconds...
Spokesperson: Is that?
Peter Griffin: Four seconds...
Spokesperson: It smells like...
Peter Griffin: Three seconds...
Spokesperon: That's...
Peter Griffin: CLEAN MY PEE!
[at a rehab center]
Peter Griffin: YEAH! I'm also addicted to boobies!



Stewie Griffin: This isn't the first time my small stature has hindered my plans.
Auctioneer: Item 157... Global Domination. Enslave the human race! Do I have any bids?
Stewie Griffin: OOH! OOH! ME! ME!
Auctioneer: I'll take any bids! $1! Enslave the human race for $1?
[the cable TV transmitter has been knocked out]
Tom Tucker: In other news, an accident caused the Quahog cable television transmitter to be knocked out, which will prevent broadcasting to the entire city. Actually, no can hear this, so it doesn't really matter what I say. I'm the lord Jesus Christ. I think I'm going to get drunk and beat up some hookers. How about you, Diane?
Diane Simmons: Well, Tom, I just plain don't like black people.
Director: Uh, guys, we're still on in Boston.
Diane Simmons: Our top story tonight, I have been cast as the lead in the Quahog Players' production of The King And I.
Tom Tucker: In other news, I wont be going to the play because I'm sure it will be lousy.
Diane Simmons: This just in: Tom, you're such a closet case.
Tom Tucker: We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?
Judge: I find you guilty of arson, so you are free to go...straight to jail! HA! Now YOU got burned! ...No bail.
Young Peter Griffin: Why did all the dinosaurs die?
Museum Curator: Because you touch yourself at night.
[Peter looks down at his crotch]
[looking around at a posh rehab clinic]
Peter Griffin: This is the kind of place God would go to if He had to stop doing blow.
Lois Griffin: He's figured out how to get the twinkie.
Chris Griffin: Ha ha! I'm gonna turn you into poo!
[at Peter's version of Cheesy Charlie's]
Kid: I have 13 tickets, is that enough?
Clerk: I'm sorry. You need 15 tickets to live.
[watching The Brady Bunch]
Dad: Greg, I'm afraid you've earned four hours in the snake pit as punishment. And Jan, for tattling on your brother, you've earned a day in the chamber of fire.
Stewie Griffin: Come any closer and I'll cut her!
[realizes he's holding a tongue depresser]
Stewie Griffin: I'll give her a series of splinters... that could become infected!
[during a fishing trip]
Peter Griffin: Man, some trip this turned out to be. All we caught is a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of clichés.
Kevin: Dad, the fish got away.
Joe Swanson: The hell it did! You get in there and you kick that fish's ass!
Lois Griffin: I'm sorry that Stewie ruined your books. Here, I brought you some of Peter's.
Brian Griffin: "Mr. T" by Mr. T. "T and Me" by George Poppard. "For The Last Time, I'm Not Mr. T" by Ving Rhames.
Stewie Griffin: [hitting on some co-eds] I must say, the most recent campus sporting event was quite spectacular.
Co-ed: Aw. Are you in a fraternity, little boy?
Stewie Griffin: Not yet, but I'm thinking of joining I Felta Thigh.
Meg Griffin: Typical mom response.
Lois Griffin: Show off the goods. How's that for a typical mom response?
Meg Griffin: Creepy.
Peter Griffin: People make up lies all the time! You know Vietnam? Never happened.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, but don't mention it around the Veteran's Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.
[Peter has bought an sexy version of a relationship tape]
Lois Griffin: .95? Are you sure we can afford this?
Peter Griffin: Lois, our relationship can not be measured in nipples and dimes.....nickels and
[runs off]
Lois Griffin: Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.
Peter Griffin: OH MY GOD!
[runs off crying]
[A fat Stewie is sitting on the porch]
Stewie Griffin: Come, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me.
[to passersby]
Stewie Griffin: What are you looking at? Damn you all... and such.
Brian Griffin: Look at you. You spent all that time making Chris jealous and now you have an eating disorder.
Stewie Griffin: Help me up!
Brian Griffin: I would but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting!
Waitress: Here you go, fella. From Flappy himself.
Stewie Griffin: I don't care if they...
[Stewie is force-fed a bite of pancakes]
Stewie Griffin: Oh... oh these are delectable! Hey, Flappy! Good news! I've decided not to kill you!
Peter Griffin: I only drank so that the Statue Of Liberty would take her clothes off.
[Peter and Brian are touring the Pawtucket Brewery]
Peter Griffin: Wow, it's like I died and went to heaven, then God realized it wasn't my time yet, so He sent me back to a brewery.
[Peter tries to get a gay photo of Luke Perry]
Peter Griffin: Oh, jeez, I spilled wine all over your shirt! You know what's good for getting stains out? Sex with another man.
Chris Griffin: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Peter Griffin: Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
Glen Quagmire: Baby, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put 'U' and 'I' together.
Stewie Griffin: Jeffrey! Take the 4.20 from Hounslow out of your mouth!
Peter Griffin: We love the Bible in this house.
Francis Griffin: Really. What's your favorite book of the Bible?
Peter Griffin: Uhhhhh...the book where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the yellow hat has to take him to the hospital.
Chris Griffin: I never knew anyone who went crazy before, except for my invisible friend, Col. Schwartz!
Peter Griffin: Lois, When I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.
Meg Griffin: Dad, if I don't get my driver's license, I'll never have any boyfriends, I'll never get married and I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell.
Peter Griffin: Meg... are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell cant drive?
Lois Griffin: Meg... is that a real Prada bag? How did you make as a waitress in a week?
Meg Griffin: It's easy... when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby. Ha ha ha ha...
Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Meg! When did you become a teenager?
Lois Griffin: Peter, she's sixteen.
Peter Griffin: You KNEW about this?
Meg Griffin: I cant stay in Chris's room the whole week! It smells like bad milk.
Chris Griffin: Hey, if I could find it, I'd clean it up!
[Death holds up Peter's death certificate]
Peter Griffin: Where did you get that?
Death: It was e-mailed to me by your HMO.
Peter Griffin: Lois told me to clean the windows, wash the siding, and clean the gutters. To most normal guys, that's three jobs. To Peter Griffin and his big hose, that's one job.
Cleveland: You're not working hard, Peter. You're working smart.
[Peter is ordering from a fast food restaurant]
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I'd like 6,000 chicken fajitas, please? Yeah, 6,000 chicken fajitas!
Brian Griffin: And a supersized McBiscuit, please?
Brian Griffin: I'm just a dog, Lois. A stupid dog.
[to the bartender]
Brian Griffin: Vodka stinger with a whiskey back and step on it.
[watching a porno that was accidentally taped over]
Narrator: The Statue Of Liberty, originally...
Glen Quagmire: Oh no! What do we do? What do we do?
Peter Griffin: We'll drink till she's hot.
[watching a news report on TV]
Lois Griffin: Oh my god! He's going to wipe that species off the face of the earth.
Peter Griffin: Nah, the janitor will take care of that.
Glen Quagmire: Who wants to play drink the beer?
Peter Griffin: Right here.
[drinks beer]
Peter Griffin: What do I win?
Glen Quagmire: Another beer!
Peter Griffin: I'm going for the high score!
Glen Quagmire: Actually, Charlie's got the high score!
Charlie: Hey, your clock wont flush!
Peter Griffin: Gee, Lois, I hope that you don't do something stupid like buying that time share or realizing that your husband taped over our wedding video with soft-core cable porn.
Lois Griffin: You taped over our wedding video?
Peter Griffin: Just the boring stuff.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you're drunk again.
Peter Griffin: No, I'm just exhausted because I've been up all night drinking.
[the cable television transmitter was knocked out]
Tom Tucker: Diane, that last report was so good, you deserve a spanking.
Diane Simmons: Oh, Tom... I don't think your wife would like that.
Tom Tucker: My wife is a bitter old hag, she's in Quahog and cant hear a word we're saying.
Director: Uh, guys, we're back on in Quahog.
Brian Griffin: The ol' alma matter. I tell you, there's something magical about Brown.
Chris Griffin: Brown's the color of poo! AHHAHAHAHAHA!
Lois Griffin: Oh my god! you can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter Griffin: That's not true. I can also vomit, fall over, and make dirty calls to your sister.
Lois Griffin: This can be a great opportunity for you and Stewie to bond.
Peter Griffin: Bond...James Bond. I'll do it!
Peter Griffin: Brian should be allowed to see his puppies!
Carter Pewterschmidt: Peter, Think about what you are doing!
Peter Griffin: I am, Your honor Brian will be a great dad! Hell if I were half the parent Brian is, I'd know that Chris' favorite ice cream is....
Brian Griffin: Chocolate Chip.
Peter Griffin: and Stewie's favorite bedtime story is....
Brian Griffin: Good Night Moon.
Peter Griffin: and Meg's real father's name is....
Brian Griffin: Stan Thompson.
Lawyer: Madame Pewterschmidt's passing was a tragedy.
Peter Griffin: Yes, it was. Come on, what did we get?
[really fast]
Peter Griffin: Big money big money big money big money no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy STOP!
[watching cheerleaders change in a locker room]
Stewie Griffin: It appears my wee-wee's been stricken with rigor mortis.
[Lois' aunt pays a visit]
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's only for a week.
Peter Griffin: A week? No no no no no please god kill me now no no damn damn crap damn it to hell son of a bitch ass ass bastard.
Lois Griffin: PETER!
Peter Griffin: Lois, sometimes it's OK to swear.
Stewie Griffin: Mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Hayes once said, "I'm going to kill you."
Stewie Griffin: Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here!
[watching a baseball game]
Stewie Griffin: Why does that man drop his club before he runs? I would bring it with me!
Lois Griffin: So he just left without saying anything?
Peter Griffin: All I asked him to do was buy some peanuts and cracker jacks.
Brian Griffin: I don't care if he ever gets back. I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead.
Lois Griffin: Brian, could you pass the TV Guide?
Brian Griffin: Piss off.
Lois Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: Oh, I'm just a little testy because of the lack of... STOP STARING AT MY TAIL!
Chris Griffon: Cheesy Charlie's is great! They have a game where you put in a dollar and you get four quarters! I win every time.
Chris Griffin: Dad, what would you say if I didn't want to be in the scouts anymore?
Peter Griffin: I'd say "come again?" and then I'd laugh because I said "CUM".
Peter Griffin: I'll give you for that coffin.
Store Owner: Sir, this casket is $1,000.
Peter Griffin: I'll give you ,000.
Store Owner: Sir, that's double what it costs.
Peter Griffin: .
Brian Griffin: [to the store owner] He doesn't know how to haggle.
Lois Griffin: We'll continue this talk after dinner. Women are not objects.
Peter Griffin: That's right, son, listen to what it says.
Meg Griffin: You should go with him. This will be your chance to be alone with dad.
Chris Griffin: I'm not attracted to dad!
Meg Griffin: No, tell him you don't want to be in the scouts anymore.
Chris Griffin: OH!
Meg Griffin: Yipes.



Peter Griffin: I wander what Scooby and the gang are up to?
Fred: The killer jumped out of the bushes, gutted his victim, and then threw him in the river.
[Scooby jumps]
Fred: That's right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.
[Chris jumps on Peter's lap]
Chris Griffin: Dad, the scouts are no fun. I just want to draw. Oh, and...
[kisses Peter]
Peter Griffin: Son, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we are never to speak of this again.
[observing Brian at a dog race]
Carter Pewterschmidt: Oh my god! He's violating Sea Breeze!
Peter Griffin: No, he's just awkwardly positioning himself... OK, NOW he's violating Sea Breeze!
Peter Griffin: Son, this is a big day for you. Today, you become the man of the house, because, when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.
Chris Griffin: Are you and dad going to get a divorce?
Lois Griffin: Oh, honey... maybe.
Stewie Griffin: Make sure there's a fresh copy of Wall Street Journal next to the changing table.
Mr. Fargas: Today, we are going to dissect... a clown! Well, it's no wonder this clown died. His lungs were filled with candy!
Peter Griffin: I'd sell my soul to be famous.
[cut to hell]
Satan: We've got a live one! Peter Griffin!
Assisstant: No good, sir. It seems he already sold his soul once in 1977 for Bee Gees tickets and then again in 1983 for half a mallomar.
[at a dog show]
Peter Griffin: Brian, come! Hey, don't you walk out on me!
[aware that the audience is watching]
Peter Griffin: Uh, heh. Uh, I now command you to leave. Yep. Keep going. Yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah, flip me off. Good boy! Heh heh, heh heh!
Peter Griffin: I tried finding my talent like you said. First, I tried art.
Peter Griffin: Am I supposed to draw the penis?
Peter Griffin: Then I tried sculpting.
Peter Griffin: Am I supposed to sculpt the penis?
Peter Griffin: Then I tried music.
Peter Griffin: Am I supposed to conduct with my penis?
Meg Griffin: I finally get my driver's license and the car gets taken away, how ironic!
Peter: Meg, don't talk to your mother that way, she is not an iron!
Chris Griffin: Hey Meg, I'm thinking of a word that's not kitty. Try and guess.
Meg Griffin: Is it kitty?
Chris Griffin: AHHH! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!
Peter Griffin: I'm going to jump off this building.
Cleveland: Could you repeat that, Peter. I believe I heard something crazy in my ear.
Glen Quagmire: Wait, hold the phone, you took me away from a Swedish girly-girl and her paralyzed but trusting cousin for this?
Stewie Griffin: I say mother, this hotdog has been on my plate a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself.
Brian Griffin: Excuse me, would you like to taste my smoked meat log?
Lois Griffin: Peter, there's a naked man on this cake!
Peter Griffin: There were only two cakes left, and trust me, you do not want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples.
Peter Griffin: Wow, I'm even better than that dad from Lost In Space!
Dad: We need to chart this planet. Greg, you take my 16 year old daughter out into the woods for the rest of the day. Penny, you stay with me. And Will, you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing, boy-hungry pedophile with you.
Lois Griffin: Chris, that's a terrible word. Nipple.
Lois Griffin: Typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer. I can guarantee that a man made that commercial.
Peter Griffin: Of course they did. It's a commercial, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner!
[on the phone]
Chris Griffin: So, what are you wearing?
Chris Griffin: Wow! I bet you can see right through that.
Lois Griffin: Chris, who are you talking to?
Chris Griffin: Grandma.
Peter Griffin: I'm going to microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Glen Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge.
Stewie Griffin: Damn the toilet! It's made slaves of you all! It just sits there consuming other people's feces while contributing nothing of its own to society.
Peter Griffin: What's Lois doing with Ross Fishman?
Glen Quagmire: Is it possible she's a whore? You know, like on weekends to pay for her mom's in my fantasy.
Glen Quagmire: You know what, let's start over. Hi, I'm Quagmire.
Peter Griffin: Lois, if this is your idea of a joke, you must write for Leno!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, oh you know, it is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. The fact is the man's out there every bloody night, with fresh material, and he's charming!
Tom Tucker: And now time for the Ollie weather report.
Ollie: It's gonna rain!
Tom Tucker: Thanks Ollie.
Lois Griffin: Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding picture?
Peter Griffin: Yeah I think it looks better.
Lois Griffin: You pasted it over me!
Peter Griffin: Yeah I think it looks better.
Stewie Griffin: I love God! He's so deliciously evil!
[Lois' sister is in labor]
Peter Griffin: It looks like Carol's blowing a bubble.
Lois Griffin: That's the head! Carol, push! Push!
Peter Griffin: I am! It won't go back in!
--------------------------------------[Lois is upset about a cult that is worshipping Peter]
Peter Griffin: Don't worry Lois. I'll handle this. I read a book about this kind of thing once.
Brian Griffin: Are you sure it was in a book? Are you sure it wasn't...nothing?
Stewie Griffin: How deliciously evil! It's like something out of Stephen King!
Stephen King: Now for my 300th novel, a couple... is attacked... by a giant lamp monster!
Editor: You're not even trying anymore are you?
[Peter almost foils a bank robbery]
Peter Griffin: Hey, I'm supposed to be the hero here! Come on! Well, can I just pistol whip you guys a couple of times for the camera?
Meg Griffin: Yeah, why are we here in this bomb shelter when I could be getting felt up by Kevin?
Lois Griffin: Now don't give it to him all at once, honey, make him work for it.
Lois: Meg, I'm like one of those bald eagles you see on the Discovery Channel. Beautiful to look at, but mess with one of my chicks and I'll claw your fucking eyes out! Now who wants a cookie?
Stewie: I do! Ooh, keep talking. All this talk about eye-gouging has got me all frisky.
[upon finding out the local bar has been turned into a British pub]
Peter Griffin: Holy crap! It's a gay bar!
Peter Griffin: [To youth cult] Hey guys, you want to come to my son's first birthday party?
[The sound of the cult drinking cyanide, then collapsing]
Peter Griffin: I guess that's just more people who would rather fake their own deaths than go to a party with you, Meg.
Guy in Chicken Suit: Enjoy your chicken sandwich.
Stewie Griffin: Enjoy your studio apartment.
[A grim, hooded wraith with a scythe approaches Peter's door]
Peter Griffin: Wh-Who are you?
Death: I'm Callista Flockhart. Who do you think I am? I'm Death!
Lois Griffin: Why are you here? The doctor said Peter was fine!
Death: Yeah, well, I guess he would know. I mean, after all, he is a doctor, and I'm just--DEATH!
Brian Griffin: You got anything on that remote lower than Mute?
Peter Griffin: See? They covered the house in Teflon so that nothing sticks to it.
[the family slips and falls to the floor]
Peter Griffin: Oh, I probably shouldn't have had them cover the floors in it.
[Stewie skates by]
Stewie Griffin: Look at me! I'm nudes on ice!
Chris Griffin: It'll be a good chance to get away from the evil monkey that lives in my closet!
[Shamus has 4 wooden limbs]
Glen Quagmire: So, were you in an accident or something?
Shamus: No, me father was a tree.
Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Glen Quagmire: Fifty bucks!
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Glen Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Glen Quagmire: Fifty bucks!
Tom Tucker: This is Tom Tucker... Tucker's evil twin Todd Tucker out to destroy his brother's reputation. Now I'm going to go back inside my motel room where I'm going to have freaky sex with my prostitute with whom I still have another 45 minutes.
Glen Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.
Peter Griffin: It's OK, Meg. Your mom is full of Christmas cheer and enough tranquilizer to take down an elephant.
Peter Griffin: We're officially on welfare! Come on, kids. Help me scatter garbage on the front lawn.
Brian Griffin: Everyone, this is Tina.
Meg Griffin: What happened to you?
Brian Griffin: How about a little less questions and a little more shut the hell up?
Girl: I'll have the escargot and a chablis.
Brian: [sighs] Same here. Escargot and a chablis.
Dennis Miller: I don't want to go on a rant, here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate...
[Peter is watching this on TV]
Peter Griffin: What the hell does rant mean?
Quagmire: Hey, maybe we could set Peter up with another lemon snowcone!
Peter Griffin: The first one didn't taste like lemon at all. It tasted like...
Peter Griffin: Oh, you guys are ASSES!
Brian Griffin: You're really going to take back donated gifts on Christmas Eve?
Peter Griffin: Yes, now here's the plan. We'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Which will be guarded by lasers three inches above the floor, now you'll have to squeeze yourself to the size of about a sponge and then crawl across the floor like a dolphin or some other amphibious mammal.
Brian: Can I buy some pot from you?
Peter Griffin: What the hell did you do?
Brian Griffin: ME? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter Griffin: I'll tell you who - someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his own family at serious risk.
Brian Griffin: Come on, I'll show the channel Lois doesn't know about.
[turns on TV]
Lois Griffin: Brian what... Chris go to your room! Meg take Stewie upstairs!
Stewie Griffin: Wait. That man seems to have suffered a rather serious snake bite.
[Family is talking about Peter's Drinking problem]
Brian Griffin: And remember the time when you had an Irish Coffee before we went to see "Philadelphia"?
[Shows them in a movie theater]
Peter Griffin: Ah, yeah. It's the guy from "Big". Tom Hanks Everything he says is a Riot!
Tom Hanks: I have AIDS.
[Peter starts laughing uncontrollably]
[Peter has had plastic surgery]
Lois Griffin: Peter, did you get a new buttocks?
Peter Griffin: I had to. My old one had a crack in it.
[Peter has had plastic surgery]
Lois Griffin: Ahh, I hate what you've become! Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head?!
Peter Griffin: Maybe I will, and then I'll put it on my feet and stand on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks!
Lois Griffin: That doesn't make any sense.
Peter Griffin: It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful!
Peter Griffin: Gays don't vomit. They're a very clean people. And they've been that way ever since they came over to this country from France.
Meg Griffin: Mom, you can't get a job. The last time you left Dad alone in the house he turned it into a giant puppet.
[Scene switches to Peter yelling in a megaphone while moving the roof of the house up and down]
Peter Griffin: Hey! Hey! Stay out of here! Hey! You better not come in here! I'm the Griffin's house! Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry!
Chris Griffin: Hi, my name is Chris. Mom and dad said that I'm supposed to be on my best behavior tonight and not say "poop". Oh god! What have I done?
Lois: Peter, punish Chris.
Peter Griffin: Son, I'm watching the game, you know what to do.
[Chris begins spanking himself]
Chris Griffin: OW! OW! OW! OW! This hurts me more than it hurts you!
Lois: Kids, stop fighting or we wont go to McDonalds after church!
Meg, Chris: MOM!
Peter Griffin: OK, we can go... but you cant supersize.
Chris: Awwwwwwwwwww...
Peter Griffin: OK, you can supersize but no apple pie.
Meg Griffin: Oh, come on!
Peter Griffin: OK, you can have an apple pie but you cant blow on it.
[Peter talking in his sleep]
Peter Griffin: Oh, Jenny... ooh, Jenny, Ooh, Jenny don't stop... Oh, Richard Jenny, your HBO comedy specials have brought laughter to millions. And what a sweet ass.
Quagmire: Hello there, cutie! How old are you?
Girl: Sixteen.
Quagmire: Eighteen? You're first!
Girl: MOM!
Quagmire: I like where this is going.
Brian: Peter, your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs.
[everyone gasps]
Brian: Too soon?
Brian Griffin: Peter, are you sure, you've never had much luck telling jokes.
[Flash Back to Peter in a net surrounded by apes with guns]
Peter Griffin: Okay, Okay. How many dirty stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three: One dirty stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and two dirty stinkin' apes to throw faeces at each other. Hehehehehehe.
[Apes cock shotguns]
Peter Griffin: This party couldn't be better if Jesus was here.
Jesus: For my next miracle, I will turn water... into FUNK!
[set turns into disco]
UPS Woman: Package for Mr. Glen Quagmire.
Quagmire: Thank you.
[walks inside with it, returns naked]
Quagmire: And I've got a package for you! Oh yeah!
[she maces him]
Quagmire: Heh he. I've developed an immunity to that stuff.
Peter Griffin: And this is where the Pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock!
Tom Tucker: I think I speak for everyone when I say, New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.
Quagmire: Here's to the Drunken Clam, boys! Where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I!
Cleveland: Quagmire, you forgot to say "Oh".
Quagmire: Really? I could've sworn... just to be on the safe side, "OH!"
Brian: You recently returned from the Philippines. Where you made love to two Filipino women. And a man.
Quagmire: You mean THREE Filipino women.
Quagmire: Ahhhhhhh!
Brian: Why don't you shut up for about a week?
Stewie: Very well, what are the stakes if I win?
Brian: I wasn't making a bet. Why don't you just shut up for about a week?
[during a smoking conference]
Stewie: Baby needs to suck ash! Baby needs to suck ash! Not ass, you pervert. Save it for the interns.
Stewie: Hidden missile behind the Great Wall? Ancient Chinese secret, huh?
Peter Griffin: Merry Christmas to all, and to all, shut the hell up.
Lois: My therapist said we should try a trick called "role reversal", it's where you pretend to be the person who makes you angry. Don't listen to your mother, kids! She's stupid and worthless and you should only listen to me, Peter.
Peter Griffin: I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales but I wont let Peter buy anything he likes like that neon beer sign with the chick who had two mugs for jugs. It was only and we had a dozen places to put it!
Stewie: I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the rug.
Brian Griffin: I'm a pompous little antichrist who will abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and wind up settling with a rough trick named Jim.
Chris: Hey, mom, look at these bananas!
Peter Griffin: Why you smart little bastard!
Lois: Now Chris, these are called "plantains". In fact, most women prefer them to normal size bananas because they're exotic and flavorful.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, Lois, I see all the sorority girls clamoring for the platain section.
Brian Griffin: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
Peter Griffin: If by "read", you mean "imagine the naked lady", then yes.
[upon learning that Meg is dating a nudist]
Lois: Now Meg, there's no need to get testes. I mean testy! Nuts. I mean crap!
[Peter and Brian have just jumped their car off a flatbed truck like The Dukes of Hazzard]
Peter Griffin: Oh, man! That was great! Hey, maybe next time we can get Meg to be Boss Hogg and Chris can be Anus.
Brian Griffin: Enis.
Peter Griffin: What'd I say?
Brian Griffin: Anus.
[Peter laughs hysterically]
Teacher: In French, to say yes you say oui-oui.
[Peter starts laughing]
Peter Griffin: Oh, man, that's hysterical! (keeps laughing) Hey, what do you say for no, doo-doo? (laughs) Hey, I'll be right back. I've got to go take a wicked yes.
Cleveland: Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protestors burned down our porta-potties and I used my stream of justice to put out the hate.
Cleveland: You can stay with us, Meg, I just hope you don't mind that my uncle died in the guest bedroom.
Meg Griffin: I guess that's OK.
[opens the bedroom, a dead body is lying on the bed]
Cleveland: We think he died some time between the Tonight Show and the Today Show.
Judge: Mr. Griffin, we have undisputable evidence that not only were you ever not in the same room as Clarence Thomas, you were never even in the same state. What do you say for yourself?
Meg Griffin: I wish Chris would quit drawing pictures of my head on a pig's body!
Chris: Don't censor me!
[Family is trying to hide from mobsters.]
Peter Griffin: Don't worry, I got it all worked out. We'll move to England, huh? Worst they got there is, you know, drive-by... arguments...
[Meanwhile, in England.]
Englishman: I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stifworth, the young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of a united European commonwealth?
Jeremy: Why yes, I daresay it is.
Englishman: Oh, let's get him!
[They drive up.]
Englishman: Oh Reginald!... I disagree!
[drives off]
[Peter with Charles Manson and the Manson Family]
Peter Griffin: Guys! I got invited to Sharon Tate's house! Now you can come, but you gotta promise not to embarrass me.